Good Monday Morning! So I would like to talk about a couple things today first for those of you who have read my blog I would like to apologize for not using paragraphs. Hehe…my good friend and computer/website Guru-Andrew-pointed out I do not use them, so I’m going to work on that. You would think I would pay attention to things like that seeing as the first time I went to college I was an English major, but I guess some things have slipped my mind as I have aged.
Yeah- an English major, with a specialization in Hemingway. I found out that wasn’t very useful.. who would have thought?! Especially after I did my first semester of student teaching and decided I would rather try to floss sharks teeth for a living then teach. I just wasn’t made to be that patient.. teachers definitely deserve to be paid more than they are.
Second thing that’s on my mind today is because of a situation that came up over the weekend. A guy texted me to schedule an appointment and we were chatting back and forth a little via text, and he asked about my experience as a masseuse. I explained that I used to have a massage shop that was quite successful, but unfortunately I had to close it when I went to prison.
His next text stated that he was uncomfortable coming to see me since I had gone to prison. At first I got pretty asshurt about that. I thought, “Who is this schmuck to judge me because I went to prison?” Hell, at least I was honest about it. I could have made up some excuse about why I closed my shop, or just not mentioned why, but here I am being honest and forthcoming and he is going to judge me for that? Then I thought about it and realized that I was judging him.
Ooh.. now that’s sneaky.. and I realized he has a right to not to want to come see me because I went to prison. That’s his choice and I need to respect that. Then I started thinking maybe I shouldn’t be so open about my past, maybe I should leave that part of my story out.. but let’s be real, that’s just not who I am. I am unapologetically me. I’m not perfect, I have my flaws, but for the most part I’m aware of them and either accept them or I’m working on trying to change them.
I wish I could say I would like to change all of my flaws but I haven’t made it that far in my spiritual path yet. I once dated a guy who was extremely level-headed, never seemed to get fired up about anything. One day I made the comment to him that I wish I could be more like him and not get so fired up over things and he said, “Really? Because I can teach you a few things on how to be a little more even tempered.” I thought about it and then I said, “No, not really. I kind of like that side of myself.”
We had a good laugh, but the truth is sometimes our flaws are so ingrained they become a part of who we are and it’s really uncomfortable to think about changing that. There were a lot of rough times after my head injury, and there are still deficits I struggle with, however I do think I benefited in ways from it.
I’m much calmer than I used to be and I don’t get angry as easily, and I don’t hold grudges like I used to. I’ve learned life is too short.. and quite honestly things don’t take up space in my brain like they used to.
I guess it’s the best way I could say it. Prison also taught me to be more accepting of things I can’t change. There are a lot of things that are going to happen in this lifetime that I’m not going to like, but sometimes it doesn’t matter whether I like them or not they’re part of your life and there’s nothing you can do to change them.
If that’s the case, coming to that realization sooner rather than later can go a long way and keep your peace. I don’t necessarily want to be bubbly happy all the time but I do like being at peace. Well, now I feel like I’m starting to ramble but I’m going to circle back to what started this very long paragraph.
If people don’t want to come get a massage from me because I went to prison then that’s their right, and if I judge them for judging me that I’m doing the exact same thing. I believe that the choices I made that led me to go to prison are an important part of my story and can help people, so I’m not going to hide that. I’m not proud of it but I’m not ashamed of it either, it just is. That’s all I have for now so until next time- peace out.
