They say the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. I’ve found that to be true…usually when someone tells me something I don’t want to hear, but need to hear- first I get pissed, then I reflect, then I apologize and make some changes. I can remember before I went to prison, but after I had been sentenced, and one day my sister and I were heading to work at my massage shop. I was a bit of a wreck and feeling very resentful towards God and sorry for myself- that was kind of my mantra back in those days. You see, I had convinced myself prior to my sentencing hearing that God had my back and wasn’t going to let me get sent to prison. I was half right- God had my back – unfortunately he and I disagreed on how that should play out. So this one day as my sister and I were heading to work I was rather heartbroken, I had lost my faith- I honestly felt like God didn’t like me and I didn’t understand why not. I was telling my sister about how I was feeling- I was quite the victim let me tell you. Taking no responsibility for my part, just blaming God and the universe. Was unwilling to admit I deserved to go to prison, was unwilling to admit I was still using drugs, was ungrateful for all the good things I had been allowed in my life- just poor me. Well, my sister let me have it. She looked at me and said, “Oh shut the hell up. Nobody wants to hear it. We are all so sick of hearing about “Poor Jen.” You are so ungrateful it makes me sick. Do you have any idea what some people would give for the chance to be sober for 18 years?! You were sober for 18 years and show absolutely no gratitude for that. Do you know how many alcoholics and addicts would kill for that opportunity? You decided to use drugs again, God didn’t force you to. You’re lucky you didn’t kill anyone. And maybe the reason you’re going to prison is because you broke the law and you are still using drugs!” Gotta admit- I pulled the car over right there on Ameriplex parkway and kicked her ass out and told her to find a new job. Not my finest moment. I drove away in righteous indignation and thought, “Screw her and the horse she rode in on. She can go f*** herself.”

Of course, once I calmed down I couldn’t stop replaying her words in my head. The bitch of it was- she was right. I was being ungrateful. I was lucky to be alive. I was lucky to have had 18 years of sobriety. I was lucky I hadn’t killed anyone. I can keep going- there were about 100 things I should have been grateful for and instead I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. So, I apologized and told her she was right and continued doing my thing- progress not perfection right? In all honesty- I was so broken at that point I was destructive. Eventually, I went to prison, closed my business, lost everything I owned…but as I sobered up in prison I regained what I really needed- faith..hope..belief in myself and in God. And now I have a couple of years of sobriety and know what is important- my family, my sobriety, God, Faith, hope and love. I survived active alcoholism. I survived a fentanyl addiction. I survived a traumatic brain injury. The reason I’ve lost more than most is because I’ve been given more than most, and what I decide to focus on determines my reality. I now focus on being grateful for the experiences instead of focusing on the losses. I see how my story can help others. I’ve learned that when someone tells me something that pisses me off, they probably have a point. So the next time someone tells you something you may not like, listen to the message- not the messenger- and if it’s valid, adjust and keep on keeping on. Till next time- peace out.