I’ve been struggling lately trying to come up with time and ideas to write about. It seems like I have ideas when I don’t have time, and when I have time I don’t have ideas. So today just as soon as I sat down to write, I got busy…but I’m going to get something out there today.
What’s on my mind? To be honest, I’ve been thinking about how motivational speakers always talk about finding your why. I listen to a lot of motivational speakers, I find it helps my mindset. They talk about their mom being their why, or their children, or their significant other. I think that’s all well and good, but in my experience you have to be your own why. You see, after my relapse and head injury I lost my why for a while. I lost my career, my husband and stepdaughters, my niece and nephew..I had even lost my faith…and I used that as my excuse to keep using. I thought to myself, “I’ve lost everything anyways, why bother?” I just hurt so bad, and felt so guilty, and figured since I’d let everyone down anyways..what was the point? I had lost my “why” so that was the excuse I needed to keep using.
I’m not sure what exactly changed, but I know going to prison saved my life. Being forcibly removed from drugs and alcohol gave my mind a chance to clear…and I realized I didn’t like who I was, and that was a big part of the problem. I needed to be sober because I liked who I was, and using was just a vicious cycle of staying stuck and sick. I used because I didn’t like who I was, and I was unlikable because I used. Once I was sober I was able to remember that life wasn’t always like this. I wasn’t always like this. I used to find joy in the simple things. I used to enjoy feeling good, being a part of my family, and feeling pride in just being sober and doing the next right thing. I realized I didn’t need an external “why” to motivate me to do the next right thing. I needed to be that why. I needed to be enough of a reason to be the best version of myself. And once I understood that, then I could add the other “Why’s” to the list. But until I could be my own why, none of the others mattered. I learned that even when I felt like I had lost my “why’s” , if I could be enough of a reason then I could do it. What’s interesting is, once I decided I could be enough of a reason then I realized I hadn’t lost all of my “why’s”. Some of them were still there, I just had to let them love me from a distance. Some of them were gone for good- but I could still be grateful for the chance the Universe gave me to experience them. When I was using I was so focused on the grief of the loss that I forgot that I could have never even been allowed to have those people in my life. As for my faith…it wasn’t gone either. In fact, once I realized how blessed I was, I was able to regain my faith even stronger. I realized God wasn’t punishing me..God was building me, making me stronger, teaching me. Today I’m surrounded by “why’s”, but I know that at any point- I could lose them, and I’ll be ok. Because today I am my own why. I have to be if I’m going to be any good to anyone or anything else.
I like to think that being your own why vs external people/theologies/etc being your why is kind of like the difference between determination and motivation. Determination is there no matter what. Once you are determined to do something you do it no matter what. Motivation helps you along. So me being my own why is my determination, my faith, family, friends, ability to be of use to others…that’s my motivation. Motivation helps fuel determination, but when your tank is empty it’s determination that gets you through. So I encourage you to figure out why you are worth it. Why you are enough. Once you figure that out, nothing can stop you. Until next time, peace out.
