I’ve been thinking lately about how odd it is that it took me so many years to learn how to pray. Or maybe more appropriately, what to pray for. I used to pray that I would get certain things, or certain outcomes…and that led me to believe that many times my prayers weren’t answered. And many times I have prayed for certain situations or consequences to be removed from my life, and again, thought my prayers were unanswered. As I’ve gotten older however, when I look back at those times, I realize that I was praying for the wrong thing. I didn’t need to get my way, I needed to pray for acceptance. I needed to pray for willingness- or maybe willingness to find acceptance. I needed to pray for strength, not for ease. I’ve learned God gives me what I need, not what I want. There are so many things I have prayed for that I didn’t get, and like the saying goes, I was glad my prayers were not answered. There have been so many times I have prayed I did not suffer the consequences of choices I made. Unfortunately, life has also taught me, I’m the type of person who doesn’t change my harmful behaviors unless I do. I wish I was the type of person who could say, “Well, this addiction is going to destroy my life, so I should probably nip it in the bud.” But, alas, I’m not. Let’s be real, I had 18 years of sobriety firmly under my belt when I decided to shoot up Fentanyl. When that addiction led to me getting fired, I simply chose a different drug to abuse. When that led to the destruction of the rest of my life, I started a new chapter of life but kept using. It wasn’t until I went to prison that I finally said, “Ok, maybe I should stop.” So, while I pray to avoid the consequences, the consequences have saved my life multiple times now. I got sober the first time, from alcohol, because I got arrested. Apparently, imprisonment is about the only thing that gets my attention once I’m firmly entrenched in addiction. I really did not want to go to prison- shocking, I know. But today, I’m grateful that God intervened and said, “This girl is going to kill herself if I don’t intervene.” Sure, I wish there had been another way. I did not like the journey, but I’m grateful for the destination.
These days my prayers are no longer for things like, “Please God, let me get what I want.” Or “Please, let this turn out how I want it to.” Nowadays, my prayers are things like, “Please give me the strength to get through this.” and ‘Please help me accept.” Or “Please give me the willingness to do….” So if you feel like you’re praying, and your prayers aren’t getting answered, look at changing your prayers. It’s possible that your prayers are getting answered, you just need to learn how to ask for the right things. That’s all I’ve got for today. Until next time, Peace out.
